Sunday, January 30, 2011

Mega Python vs. Gatoriod

Yes, I watched it. Yes, it was just as bad as you think it was. What, were you expecting? The Umbrellas of Cherbourg?

The worst thing? The fact that the battle pictured to the left never took place. There were a couple of mild python on gator encounters, but nothing like the epic battle I'd hoped for. Well, sure, there was the one between Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, but that doesn't count.

Tiffany is a woman of huge . . . assets, whereas Debbie is kind of scrawny. But they're both great actresses,even if Tiffany's turn as a park ranger and Debbie's as an environmental activist don't quite rival Denise Richards' fine work as a nuclear scientist in The World is not Enough. And it was sun to see special guest star Mickey Dolenz, who seemed to really hate being there at all.

The message of the movie, as I understood it, was "don't feed steroids to gators because they will grow to the size of semis." Why the pythons got that big is another story. But they did, and that's all that matters. Well, they sort of did. At times they looked long, but very skinny. Like Debbie. They were mean, though, I'll give 'em that.


  1. Bill--double-check your paragraph about Tiffany's huge assets; you say that Tiffany is kinda scrawny. I think you meant Debbie Gibson there.

    A couple of weeks back, Entertainment Weekly ran an article on the whole SyFy schlocky movies phenomenon (cheap to produce, full of b-list has-beens, big ratings). I thought immediately of you!

  2. Thanks, Deb. I'll fix that.

  3. Anonymous9:46 AM

    Yeah, Debbie was pretty mean too.

    I thought Tiff's assets got more prominent as the movie went on. Maybe it was the way she dressed (especially her "party dress") or maybe they were trying to distract the audience from the script.

    I kept thinking the redneck "hunter" (have you ever seen such bad shooters in your life?) whose dog Bubba got eaten should have been played by Randy Quaid. If only that pesky Hollywood hit squad didn't force him into hiding.

    Mickey Dolenz looked like he was badly hung over. A Martinez had a ridiculous mustache.

    I wish I had a picture of Tiffany's "game warden" outfit; it looked more like a stripper outfit for a bachelor party. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    And then there was the total change of tone from her wailing over her dead fiance (eaten by a python) to her happy party face.

    Yes, it was a classic, but Denise Richards would have rocked in Debbie's part.


  4. Anonymous10:42 AM

    I hung in there for the catfight, which certainly trumped any of the cgi reptile-amphib action. I prepared for the film by scrutinizing Debbie's and Tiff's Playboy shoots. Tiffany gets full marks for being a genuine redhead, but loses points for those twin non-cgi special effects she's sporting. Debbie wins out for keeping it real.

  5. Clearly, a sequel should be considered to correct the defects in this film. I wonder if Denise Richards is available...

  6. Seepy Benton2:43 PM

    Good news! SyFy channel is repeating the movie this Thursday!

  7. I think I speak for all of us when I declare that I would totally watch Mega Python vs. The Umbrellas of Cherbourg...

  8. Seepy Benton4:53 PM

    I think the line, "Ooh, somebody had bitch for breakfast," made the whole thing worthwhile. I know I'm going to use it someday!

  9. Not on Mrs. Benton, I hope.

  10. I much preferred Tiffany's Playboy spread to Debbie's.


  11. Anonymous6:25 PM

    "Mr. Benton, do you know you were going 45 in a 20 mph zone?"

    "Ooh, somebody had bitch for breakfast."

    *unholsters taser*