Season of the Witch

Okay, so we went to see Season of the Witch yesterday. It was Judy's idea. She twisted my arm.

You remember those old epic movies that said stuff in the ads like "See Nicolas Cage and a Cast of Thosands!"? Well, the ad for this one might have said, "See Nicolas Cage and a Cast of Tens!" Because that's about how many people are in the movie, with is a little weird when you think about it since it begins with several epic battles of the Crusades, spanning more than a decade. But there are only a few real people in the battles. The rest are just CGI people, and in the rest of the movie the villages are mostly deserted or populated by dead bodies.

They're dead because of the plague, to which some hardy souls seem completely immune, and everyone believes the plague was brought on by a witch, who's been captured and caged and who must be delivered to an abbey for a "fair trial." And who better to deliver her than two knights who, after years of slaughter, rape, and rapine (I have no idea what that word means, but I've always seen it in that context but never had a chance to use it; I couldn't resist) decide that they've had enough. So they desert the crusades and now must escort the witch in her rolling cage.

Or is she a witch at all? You'll find out. You'll also find out that the plot is really one of the dumbest ever because . . . I'm not going to tell, just on the off chance that one of you might see this someday.

Here's what's good: Ron Perlman. He was made for roles like this. The scene on the rope bridge. I mean, how long has it been since you saw a good rope-bridge scene? Too long, right? The scenery, some of which is truly spectacular and not CGI, either. As for Nicolas Cage, his hair is a bird, and your point is invalid.

Every "major critic" (and most of the minor ones) hated this movie. I know because I checked Rotten Tomatoes, and its current rating is 0% among "major critics." I think it's 1% when the "minor critics" are included.

And you know what? I don't care. I had a swell time, and I got to see Nicolas Cage say, "A benevolent God would not ask such things of men!" That's about all I ask from a movie sometimes.