Monday, September 07, 2015

Synopsis for a New Novel

I'm working on a synopsis for a new novel.  It's going to be about a plucky band of heroes who try to save Texas after the takeover by the U.S. in Operation Green Helmet, for which Operation Jade Helm was just a cover op.  

Governor Greg Abbott is spirited away from the capitol building just before it's swarmed by U.S. troops bent on his capture.  A plucky band of Austin Tea Party stalwarts (there are five of them) takes him to an undisclosed location (actually a bunker deep inside Longhorn Caverns, near Burnet), where they've been preparing for this for years.  The cavern is equipped pretty much like the lair of a Bond villain, with all the latest in computer equipment.  Abbott has been training in secret with hackers from Dell computers for just such an emergency, and he's ready to save the state with the help of a plucky band of heroes from the outside. 

This particular band of plucky heroes will be led by Rand Paul and composed of his comical sidekicks, including Ted Cruz ("Dammit, Ted, stop frying bacon on the muzzle of that AK!  We're fighting for our lives here!"), Ben Carson ("The bullet is lodged near his brain, Ben.  Can you save him with only your pocketknife?"  "I could do that surgery with a toothpick, Rand."), Mike Huckabee ("Dammit, Mike, stop praising the lord and pass the ammunition!  We're fighting for our lives here!"), and a mysterious man known only as Big Don ("Dammit, Big Don, stop insulting us and start shooting!  We're in a fight for our lives here!").

Our plucky heroes are fighting almost alone because President Obummer has stationed U.S. troops at three-foot intervals around the entire border of Texas to prevent anyone from entering the state and saving it from Operation Green Helmet.  One side-effect of this is that it's cut down on immigration from the south, which is causing a great inner conflict with the plucky heroes.  Since this requires 5,331,040 troops, another side effect is the re-institution of the draft, thus causing the U.S. to be attacked all over the world and also causing domestic unrest.

Taking advantage of this situation, a plucky band of heroes in Washington is plotting to take over the government by luring President Obummer out of the White House and installing Jeb Bush as president.  They believe they can get away with this because of the well-understood principle that "possession is nine points of the law" and that an obscure phrase in a rough draft of the Constitution refers to "the right of succession through families."  This plucky band is led by Dick ("The Dick") Cheney, who's assisted by his comical sidekicks John Boehner ("Dammit, John, get out of that tanning both and pick up a rifle!  We're in a fight for our lives here!"), John McCain ("Dammit, John, quit bitching about being saddled with Sarah Palin when you ran for president and pick up a rifle!  We're in a fight for our lives here!"), and Donald (The Rummy) Rumsfeld.  ("Dammit, Donald, stop blathering about the known unknowns and the known knowns and pick up a rifle!  We're in a fight for our lives here!").

That's all I have so far, but I think it's going to be a huge bestseller, with the potential for many sequels, a series of blockbuster movies, and maybe a couple of TV spin-offs.

UPDATE:  Meanwhile, a plucky group of counter-counter-insurgents has been formed in an undisclosed location in Arkansas.  It's led by Hitlery Clinton ("Bubba, why do they call me that?"  "I think it's the moustache, babe."), whose wacky sidekicks include Bubba ("Dammit, Bubba, put down that woman and pick up the AK!  We're in a fight for our lives here!" "You put down the tweezers first."  "You better listen to me, Bubba!"  "You're not the boss of me!" Etc.), Joe ("Bumblin') Biden ("A moustache's not so bad.  At least you don't need a hair transplant."), and George ("The Greek") Stephanopoulos ("Speaking of hair, how does mine look? I go on the air in ten seconds."  "Dammit, Greek, quit looking for the mic and pick up the AK! We're in a fight for our lives here!"


13 comments:

Deb said...

Start hawking it on right-wing talk radio (between ads for "We buy gold" and local gun & pawn shops) and, if you can grab a spot on Glenn Beck's show, you're in like Flynn.

/Please try to find a place in your epic for our governor, Bobby "Don't call me an anchor baby, unless you represent a charter school franchise" Jindal.

Don Coffin said...

You should start a Kickstarter-style campaign to fund the development of this project...surely there are folks out there who would be clad to shower you with money for what promises to be the blockbuster of 2016 or 2017.

Jeffrey Meyerson said...

What about Rick Perry and W.? Don't they at least get cameos?

Jeff

Cap'n Bob said...

Anybody but Hitlery.

Bill Crider said...

Rick & W will have to be in another plucky team of heroes and come to the aid of the one led by Rand.

Ed Gorman said...

The sad thing is there are a lot of people in your state who'd believe this is true--in my state there'd not only be a lot of people who'd believe it so would numerous of our politicians. You have Louie Gohmert and we have Steve King. Brothers under the white sheets. Who knew that even the Sixties and Seventies with all its turmoil would be the last we'd ever see of a true working Congress and something resembling a civilization in our country. Was just reading a piece about the real Earp Brothers (our friend James Reasoner can correct me me if this is wrong) but one of the first things they did when they hired on to cleanup a town was to see that nobody was walking around armed. In Iowa now we have open carry. Iowa! A police Chief in a nearby town printed up posters for the front windows of merchants proclaiming NO GUNS Allowed. He got death threats. You did great work on this, Bill. LOL. Thanks Ed

Shirley said...

I didn't know you wrote non-fiction.

Loyd Jenkins said...

I wait in eager anticipation for this blockbuster. It cannot miss. The snarkiness from the synopsis alone is worth two sequels.

Bill Crider said...

My idea of a MAD parody of a nonexistent book, I guess is what it is.

James Reasoner said...

You're right about the Earps, Ed.

Ed Gorman said...

I should note here that in the last fifty six hours my small Midwestern town of 125,000 or so has had three shootings, one death. Insane.

Daniel Stumpf said...

Sorry to disappoint you Bill, but I'm sure I saw that scenario last week on one of the GOP hopefuls' website.

jhegenbe said...

You just can't make stuff like that up.