Sunday, May 16, 2010

Secret Mission Accomplished

A few months ago, Lauren Bettinger, my niece, asked me to officiate at her wedding. I've never officiated at anything, and I wasn't an ordained minister, but I figured that if she was crazy enough to ask me, I was crazy enough to do the job.

So I went on-line and became an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. I made sure that the Great State of Texas accepted marriages performed by ministers of that church, and it does. So that was Step One. Then I read a bit about weddings. My friend Fred Williams suggested that I do one of the Marryin' Sam Special $5 weddings, which had many special features. I'm not sure what they were, but I believe wrestling a life wildcat was one of them. Or maybe performing the wedding while being drawn and quartered. I didn't think I was willing to go that far, so I went for a more traditional ceremony.

The wedding was last night, and it went off without a hitch. Everyone had a wonderful time, and my niece is now officially married to Jeff McCarty. I'm sure video will eventually surface on the Internet, but I doubt very much that I'll be posting a link. Just use your imagination.

21 comments:

David Cranmer said...

Carumba! If I wasn't already married, I would have Reverend Bill officiate.

Anonymous said...

Ditto!

Bill's the Ashton Kutcher of the mystery world.

Jeff

Anonymous said...

Bill, Jackie said that if Miss Paris Hilton ever decides to get married, you'll be ready!

Jeff

Anonymous said...

Just checked. I can get instant free ordination but I'd need the $29.99 New York City official registrant package to be able to legally perform weddings here.

I guess Texas is easier.

Jeff

Bill Crider said...

Texas leads the way!

Seepy Benton said...

Can you do bar mitzvahs and circumcisions?

James Reasoner said...

Very cool!

Bill Crider said...

Seepy, you know better than that!

Richard R. said...

So this means you're NOT going to be writing a story about Schmoos? Darn.

Scott Cupp said...

So, does this make you the Write Reverend Bill Crider?

Bill Crider said...

I'd love to write about the Shmoos. The episodes with them are the very first comics I remember reading, right about the time I learned to read.

Scott, you should be ashamed.

Todd Mason said...

As my brother and sister-in-law were married by a Universal Life Church minister of their acquaintance last year, congratulations on your joining that Secret Masters---I mean, fine alternative to traditional religious orders. I will now found my own splinter sect, Universal Life Church Emeritus.

However, I still suspect a capter involving you, Patti and Kate laity. Paris Hilton's involvement is all smokescreen, unless she's seen wrasslin' gators.

Todd Mason said...

Li'l Abner Shmoos?

Bill Crider said...

Those are the ones. My first favorite characters ever.

Todd Mason said...

Friendly and delicious. Ripped off for some Saturday morning cartoon in the 1980s, as I recall.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Did you dress like Reverend Leroy? Since you've gone this far, you may as well start a cult. Church of the Sacred Reptile. It has a nice ring to it.
"The wedding went off without a hitch"? Pun or oxymoron?

Bill Crider said...

You know, I never even thought of it that way. You're too sharp, Cap'n.

Donna said...

Now you can declare the old homestead a church and not have to pay property taxes. And I think when you go to another church, you get to kibbitz from the pew.

Bill Crider said...

The kibbitzing might be fun, but I have a feeling that the State of Texas would take a dim view of the tax dodge.

Todd Mason said...

As I noted before, I suspect your plot to become the St. Patrick of Texas ('Hm...Crider on a mission ("and all the serpents were driven from Texas, and small caimans came to take their place"), Abbott out of the country, Laity marking papers and/or readhing for her flight to the Sceptered Isle...I smell caper, indeed.') is only part of the shenanigans that I'm watching closely...

Lauren said...

Jeff and I were lucky to have you officiate. You were the perfect man for the job! I'm sorry you had to endure those endless hours of studying and paperwork to become a Universal Life minister. It sounds like quite the grueling process!

Thanks for being such an important part of our wedding. We love you!

-Lauren