So I went on-line and became an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. I made sure that the Great State of Texas accepted marriages performed by ministers of that church, and it does. So that was Step One. Then I read a bit about weddings. My friend Fred Williams suggested that I do one of the Marryin' Sam Special $5 weddings, which had many special features. I'm not sure what they were, but I believe wrestling a life wildcat was one of them. Or maybe performing the wedding while being drawn and quartered. I didn't think I was willing to go that far, so I went for a more traditional ceremony.
The wedding was last night, and it went off without a hitch. Everyone had a wonderful time, and my niece is now officially married to Jeff McCarty. I'm sure video will eventually surface on the Internet, but I doubt very much that I'll be posting a link. Just use your imagination.