Many years ago when the world was dewy fresh and damsels in dirndls danced on the greensward, I saw a movie called Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla. I was young and innocent and didn't realize at the time just how awful the movie was, but later I saw it again and was amazed at the gloriousness of its awfulness. Besides Bela Lugosi, it stars (if that's the right word) Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo, who are playing Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Duke's a pretty weak Dino, but Sammy is uncannily like Jerry. In fact, later on, Lewis sued Petrillo to keep him from acting so much like Jerry. But I digress. You have to see this movie for yourself to comprehend how wonderfully bad it is. Just the opening scene, where Duke and Sammy are found lying unconscious after having fallen from an airplane (and they've been lying there a long, long time -- long enough to grow beards), is amazing. The native costumes are astounding. The native chatter, which seems to be a combination of Spanish and nonsense syllables, is something to give a linguist nightmares. And then Sammy wakes up and goes into his Jerry Lewis act. Talk about your nightmares!
All right, already, you're saying. Enough of that. Get to the shameful admission. Okay, fine. Here it is. The other day I was in Wal-Mart, and I saw boxes full of dollar DVDs. I'm a sucker for a DVD for a buck, so I looked them over. And there it was, beckoning seductively: a brand new DVD of Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla for only a dollar. "A Film Festival Favorite Re-Presented for the Digital Generation!"
But it's a terrible movie, I told myself. You don't need it. Not even for a buck. And so I hardened my heart and passed it by. Went on about my business. Forgot all about it.
Okay, that last part's a lie. I couldn't forget it. It preyed on my mind. It called out to me in the nighttime.
And here's the shameful admission. I went back a couple of days ago, and I bought it. Yes! And even worse, I've watched it! (Well, not all of it. Nobody can watch all of it at one sitting and live to tell the tale.)
Boy, I'm glad I got that off my chest. I feel much better now.